How to judge your relationship's health

Am I in an "Unhealthy" Relationship?

I have people who come into my office living in a place of distress over their relationship. "Should I stay in this relationship?" they ask. Of course, I cannot answer that question so what I try and do is give them some solid criteria from which to judge the value of their relationship on their own. Here is that criteria...

1. Does the relationship meet the very basic of needs that all important relationships must meet? In your relationship are you:

Appreciated?
Accepted?
Important?
Understood?
Close?
Thought well of?

2. When you go to your partner and express a need or request, do you feel they have compassion, concern and empathy for you? Or do they minimize, dismiss or put up a wall?

3. When you reach for your partner in some way, verbally, emotionally, physically, do they respond to you? Are they available to you in these ways? This does not mean they meet whatever need you have without question. That would be obedience. Here, I am talking about acknowledging your need or request and working to meet that need (or not), but always in a collaborative way that works for everyone.

We are in relationships to get needs met we otherwise cannot meet on our own. The three criteria above signify a healthy mechanism whereby partners can go to each other and work it out. If you do not have the basic safety that the above provides, you are left with the following questions..

Is my partner capable of meeting these needs?

Are they willing to participate in building a relationship where these needs are met?

Your answers to these two questions may very well give you that ultimate answer about your relationship as a whole.

October 2011

Relationships & Marriage Counseling

Am I in an "Unhealthy" Relationship?