If I could offer only one tip, I would suggest...

Help with Your Relationship

Okay, you’re here reading my site and this particular blog posting on help with your relationship. This means I can safely assume things are not going too well for some reason and you want an answer to the question, “What do I do about my relationship?”

Unfortunately I cannot give you a specific answer that will address your specific issue; however I can give you a strategy that might help you move things forward, whatever that might look like. Out of all the tips, techniques, strategies and methods I might have up my sleeve to help couples work on improving their connection, the #1 most often missing piece in a relationship is empathy.

Instead of trying to understand empathy, or differentiate it from sympathy just think of it this way: be compassionate for them. While compassion, concern, validation, and empathy are technically different, I believe they are close enough to effectively be the same in relationships.

I do understand that you may already be providing empathy and compassion for them and not getting it back. When you feel this, notice that this is a problem! Like I said, the #1 problem... When someone expresses empathy, compassion or concern for us it feels good and we sense that we matter to them. See how powerful this is?

Empathy, compassion or concern is when we hear things like “Oh no, I can’t believe that happened to you!” “That really sucks.” “I’m so sorry you have to face that.” “I know this is hurting you.” “That must be really hard to deal with right now.” What happens to us inside when we get this? We feel seen, got, felt and important. In turn, we can be open to their side of the discussion. When we don’t get this in return, we put our shields up and become defensive, attacking, and critical or move distant.

So firstly, you have to give what you want to get. Give compassion, give empathy, give to your partner. If and when you do not receive it, instead of shifting to a critical stance because you’re hurt, talk about feeling hurt. “When I come to you and talk about how I feel, I notice you get defensive. Help me understand why you feel defensive?” That is very different than, “You never listen to me!” Talk to your partner about happens for you inside; the impact on you. Avoid saying, “You make me feel… “ Stay with, “When I see you ______, inside I start to believe ______ and then I feel ______.”

If you can do these things, you will be on your way to talking about the issue in a more calm, compassionate and collaborative fashion. These tips won’t solve every issue, but I am willing to bet you a nickel that they won’t make things worse and often invite more calmness to the discussion.

Give it a try and let me know it goes.

August 2011

Relationships & Marriage Counseling

Help with Your Relationship