Do you look out for your partner and always protect them?

Looking Out For Each Other

Each partner in a couple or marriage needs to realize that they are in each other's care, no matter if alone or with others. When you are talking with your partner, it is partly your responsibility to help them manage distress and emotions. It may sound strange to hear, but a couple is a two person nervous system. When one partner moves into a state of distress, the other is there to comfort and soothe.

In practice, this is where a lot of couples let each other down leading to unrepaired moments that breed lack of trust. For example, let's say your partner comes to you and shares that they are worried about something. If you pay attention, you will see the worry in their eyes, hear it in their voice and see it in their body. If you ignore all that and ignore their distress, they will probably get angry with you - or they will withdraw. In that moment of opening up, they need reassurance from you. Reassurance that you are there for them, you are listening and you care. This might be done with eye contact, reaching for their hand and offering empathy.

Remember, they are in your care. If you leave them alone with their pain, they will start to believe that they do not matter to you will start to feel alone. Again, this distress will look like anger or withdraw. The faster you repair this, the better.

These situations are critically important with others. It is very important how a couple manages boundaries with others. There has to be an enforced protective boundary around the couple, keeping family, friends and others at a distance safe for the relationship. If your partner ever feels like a third wheel, this has to be repaired quickly. If your partner complains that your parents are invasive, this has to be dealt with in a way that leaves your partner feeling as though your relationship with them is more important than the one with others. This is a common issue that surfaces in couples therapy.

Look our for your partner's distress and be nurturing; tend to them in a way that communicates you care. Manage the boundary around the relationship and you will find many moments of distress turn into moments that strengthen the trust and connection in your relationship.

January 2012

Relationships & Marriage Counseling

Looking Out For Each Other