Are you following the recipe for love?

There is a Recipe for Love. Are You Following it?

Sharing thoughts and feelings is emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy, physical intimacy (physical touch and connection not designed to signal a desire for sex - holding hands, cuddling), and sexual intimacy, are all key parts of a healthy relationship. What comes first though, is emotional intimacy.

When you first met your partner and started to become interested in each other, you probably shared deeper and more vulnerable parts of yourself. As they were compassionate, empathetic, listened and took your side, it felt good! You felt important, understood and accepted. This motivated you to want to do the same for them. This is emotional intimacy; this is the recipe for love.

Over time we start building life together. Yes, life happens. Are intimate connecting time gets shoved aside because we have to work, pay bills, clean the house. Beware! When people become distant and disconnected in their relationship, they also become open to a little interest, compassion and empathy from others. Why? Because as humans we are not designed to be alone. If we are not getting our core needs met in a relationship, we will be open to, or look for it elsewhere.

Here is how it goes... Tom and Shannon met and became close. They talked on the phone, longed to be together, poured their heart out in emails and build a solid connection. They followed the recipe for love and it worked. They got married, had a child, built careers, and took on the pressures of owning a house. All the flirting, texting, emailing, all the deep conversations, intimacy and romance stopped. Pretty soon Shannon felt alone. She tried engaging Tom, but he was busy and distant.

One day at the water cooler, she started innocently talking with a co-worker. Conversations lengthened about work, but soon they shared more personal stuff. One day he says to Shannon, you look tired. She acknowledges she hasn't been sleeping much, she is worrying about her marriage. He pours out some empathy. "Wow, you seem like such a wonderful person, how could he treat you that way?" Shannon gets a big dose of empathy, something she has been desperate for as it is a human need, and just like that they are following the recipe for love.

Spending time talking. Making sure you manage connections and departures. Be the person your partner would want to date. Open up to your partner and inquire about them (not about chores, money or work). If you want to maintain the connection to your partner, do not stop following the recipe for love.

November 2011

Relationships & Marriage Counseling

There is a Recipe for Love. Are You Following it?