Are you making this common blunder?

Don't use the "Fix it" Tool

Does this ever happen to you? Maybe your partner comes to share their day with you. Perhaps they've called and let you know they are unhappy about something? What's your first impulse?

Fix it. Take the problem away. Give them (unwanted) advice. Great tools, but all the wrong tools for the job.

When your partner come to you for any kind of emotional support, comfort or connection, do not pull the fix it tool out of your tool box because it will be the wrong one. Pull out the empathy and validation tool first. Then ask if they want help with the problem.

Here is the "fix it" tool used incorrectly as a response:

"Oh you can't believe what happened. This guy blew the stop light and crashed right into my passenger door!"

"Did you get their license number?" Or, "Did you call the police?"

Ouch. Both responses are going to be met with frustration, resistance, defensiveness or even anger. How about one of these empathetic responses instead?

"Oh my, are you okay?" Or, "I can't believe that happened to you!" Or, "Oh no!"

Each of those statements offers empathy, or concern. If you pull out the tool that says, "I'm concerned about you" first, life will be good for you. Instead, if you pull out the "fix it" tool, you're basically saying, "I'm going to fix you because you're not smart enough to fix it yourself otherwise you wouldn't be bringing this to me", life will not be good for you.

Connection = Empathy + Validation. Remember that formula and your relationships will be better!

October 2011

Relationships & Marriage Counseling

Don't use the "Fix it" Tool