Is communication a problem? Clear intention may be how to fix it.

How to fix it when "We don't Communicate"

Why it pays to lead with your intention

Have you ever felt like you weren't communicating with your partner? I can probably safely assume you have. But what does it mean when you are "not communicating"?

Part of that feeling of not being understood comes from a lack of emotional engagement. When we share something about ourselves that is emotional, we hunger for a little empathy back to know our partner has a basic concern for us and our toils. When they just try to "fix it" we will usually feel dismissed, not understood, and unimportant.

OOften times couples who are struggling to communicate have a lot of misunderstandings. As the relationship becomes difficult, we tend to share less of our inner experience and instead move to coping reactions such as reactionary anger or shutting down. This happens because people start to feel the lack of emotional safety in the relationship and hide their inner world. Now there is fertile ground for misunderstandings, assumptions and arguing.

How to fix your communication quickly

If you want to help your relationship feel better quickly, lead with your intention. This will not fix everything, but many times this will prevent misunderstandings and mis-communication from growing. Here's an example of how it goes wrong and then right.

"What are your plans for today?" Ever have your partner ask that? In that moment you will have to figure out what information they are really wanting to know and why. Are they asking because this might be the time they are going to corner you to work on that project you have avoided for a reason? Are they asking because they have plans and want to trap you into watch the kids? Are they asking because they want to spend time with you? You really have no idea! So now as you answer, you'll be on guard, which they will feel as defensive.

Instead, what if your partner had said "I have a couple of things I want to do today but would like to spend time with you too. What time are you going to be available?"

See how better it feels when someone is more clear with their intention? This goes for asking for help, making statements, taking actions, everything. Imagine someone leaving for work before you wake up and not having any idea why? Instead, how about, "I'm leaving for work in the morning before you usually get up because I have a meeting."

Leading with your intention, being more transparent, being more clear with your needs and wants; these are all important tools that create emotional intimacy, reduce the potential for misunderstandings and facilitate better feelings. Express your intention up front and you will significantly lower the chance that people do not misunderstand you and that will feel a whole lot better.

November 2011

Relationships & Marriage Counseling

How to fix it when "We don't Communicate"

How to fix your communication quickly