Another Creating Secure Love tip: What to do when you don't know what to do.

Can Two People Fall Back in Love?

Marlon Familton - Marriage Counselor and romantic optimist

In my view, and I believe most couples therapists will agree, that yes, if two people were in love once they can find it again. Emotionally Focused Therapy weaves theories on adult attachment into its process and road map to help this happen because adult attachment is what it is all about.

When we’re little, we’re supposed to get a few key things from our parents to help us develop a solid self concept to later push off into the world. Ideally our family helps us feel:

1. Important
2. Accepted
3. Appreciated
4. Understood
5. Closeness
6. And to reflect the good in us

This helps us get good answers to the core questions that we are all asking ourselves at a very deep level:

Am I a good person? Am I competent? Am I loveable?

Typically we don’t get one of two of those attachment needs and they become wounds we carry until magically we find a partner who meets those needs and hooray, we feel attached to them. As relationships go things happen, incidents don’t get fully repaired, resentments build and soon we no longer fully able to express our deeper fears because it would be too vulnerable because we have started to believe they can't be there for us, we don't really matter to them, they don't care we're hurting... Couples come in and talk about how, “early on things were great. We used to communicate, we used to feel close. Now I don’t think he/she cares anymore.” Distance grows, disconnection builds and suddenly we realize we’re not sure we’re in love.

Often times it is NOT our partner that we don’t like, it is the cycle of interaction. It’s the way we communicate and work together. Everything we do communicates something. When our partner goes to bed without inviting us, we don't believe they care if we’re close to them or not. When intimacy wanes and it is what speaks love to us, we ask and get rejected, we start to believe we’re not important any more.

This is how the negative cycle takes over and sucks us in. When we feel alone or hurting, we do not go to our partner and say, “It hurts when you go to bed without asking me to come also. I don’t feel wanted in those moments and that makes me sad. I want you to want me.” Instead we say to ourselves, “Ignore me will you! I’ll show you what it’s like to be ignored.” The negative cycle is perpetuated and distance grows.

Two people who have an image in their mind of what it is like to be close and have a loving relationship have a huge advantage over those who never did. This work is about understanding the negative cycle together, seeing it happen and choosing to risk being more open about how you feel. This choice has the chance to draw your partner closer versus push them away.

“Oh, I didn’t know you felt ignored when I go to bed. I didn’t really think you cared because you seem so in to your TV show. I’d love it if you came to bed with me.” Feels different huh?

This work is not always easy, but here is a final thought that may give you hope: Success in couples therapy does not depend on the level of distress a couple is in. Success in therapy is primarily determined by the willingness of both partners to engage in the process. Not starting too late certainly helps.

Relationships & Marriage Counseling

Can Two People Fall Back in Love?