Another
Creating Secure Love tip: What to do when things are NOT going well.
When Things Are NOT Going Well
How to work on repairing bad moments
Marlon Familton - Marriage Counselor and marriage repair
person
One thing that couples who seek marriage or
couples counseling have trouble with is processing what happened
during an argument. What most couples do it try to "win" the
argument by being right or having the most accurate memory.
The "Incident"
Let's say that you just came home from work.
You walk into the kitchen where your partner is making dinner and
they say, "Did you go to the store and pick up some milk like I
asked?" Immediately you feel bad you forgot to do
something you agreed to, but worse, they are upset. You reply, "No.
I had a busy day and forgot." As you say this, you see
your partner's face clench up and catch an eye roll.
Instinctively you know they're mad. Feeling blamed and
misunderstood, you shut down and march off to check your email.
Is this Repair?
Thirty minutes later at the dinner table, you try to repair
what happened. "I don't appreciate it when you call me
after a long day and tell me to stop by the store." Your
partner now feeling blamed, gets defensive and snaps back. "I
just needed some milk. Why do you always forget when I ask you
to get something at the store. If you didn't want to go, just say so."
Eeek. I could go on, but I think you can see this isn't
going well and most likely headed in the wrong direction if either
partner was hoping to enjoy a movie and cuddle on the couch tonight.
Rise above the Content
Remember that there are always two truths and rarely will
fighting to be more right settle repair what has happened.
You'll never "win" that argument and get off the hook.
Rising above the content means processing what happened from a
non-blaming and "speak for yourself" position. Here's what this can
look like using a little game.
Take turns using the statement below with your partner. Be
careful to say ONLY these words while filling in the blanks.
1. Speaker starts:
"When I see you _____________(state an observation not a
judgment),
I _______________________ and I feel _________".
*Note: the only options for feelings are mad, sad, glad, or scared.
Example:
"When I see you angry at me for forgetting the milk, I believe
you are not happy I am home and I feel sad."
2. Listener validates and empathizes
before trading roles:
"I can see how you would feel (or think) _____________________
.
Example: "I can see how you would think I
wanted the milk more than you. That must not feel good."
3. Now switch roles and continue working through
the incident.
Note - This is very important! If
the listener shifts to explain, justify or defend
before
validating or empathizing, this will not work!
Everyone's walls will go up and no repair will happen. The
listener MUST NOT move to their side of the story before
offering the speaker validation. If you mess up, just start over and
keep learning.
Keep in mind that the ultimate utopian goal is to be aware of
what you're thinking and feeling in the moment. If you can do this,
your response will be more genuine and you'll stay with more of a
true
(primary) emotion versus a coping reaction. For the rest
of of mortals, the repair will probably happen after the 'incident',
hopefully soon afterwards.
Try this little game with your partner and see if repair goes
better. Let me know how it works!